After all the Agitation.....

in fact i think it's just the kind of rude awakening i need.

.....and after all the frantic expeditions to make 3 months of an unorganised life organised, i finally found a moment of peace-about a week ago, a way of sitting still and being comfortable that way. I saw through all that bothered me, all the things i hadn't done or attended to, and somehow i managed to convince myself that it was all dealt with, until today.

The thing about old friends is, they bring up a lot of 'ugliness' that you would rather forget about yourself, but what's worse is when an 'old friend' is actually someone you met not so long ago, and you realise after all this time, since before and even after you met them, when you thought you might have changed.... you're actually just the very same person with the same insecurities that had been slovenly shelved for so long that they almost disappeared- you just found better ways of hiding them. I have one very good friend who sees the best things in me, but also knows what makes me feel exposed and insecure, and i hate that. There's nothing i can say or do, it's just a weird feeling i get when i'm with them like they're eyeballing me, and every small hand gesture or shifting of the eyes to a different point of focus apart from their line of focus is mapped with scrutiny. It's strange, because it's almost as if i hate them for trying to know me, but they still don't 'see' and that's frustrating for me. To (think) they know so much and not know anything at all. My plight in being friends with an emotional stump.

My friend moved city more than a year ago now, and i've realised that they're slipping away, perhaps they're getting older, moving on, finding a job working towards a career, or perhaps our relationship is moving on to a plateau. It's settled, and i didn't want it to- i've just realised. I wanted it to keep moving....but i'm not sure where.

Right now, if i could find some way of being emotionally blind i would take it. I perhaps used to enjoy this sort of self destruction seeped in sentiment, mystery, musing and lust but that is one thing that i have grown the hell out of finally, and i want some calm, no complications.

Perhaps i'll pull myself together soon, i need to, but i'm certainly not wasting anymore time on hopeful operative pretence.

I should basically be given a merit badge after those 4 paragraphs. I am suddenly turning emo, and i'm enjoying it somehow. I'm 'growing' and 'regressing' at the same time! I would rather decorate my personal growth with one of these below.....bit of a scaredy admittedly.

by awesome Tim Forbus

(sorry the feet are kind of gross, but try and look past that)